Doubts...

So far the goal of losing weight is not going too good. I think I'm not making enough time to be active and work out. However, the more important thing is I'm starting to doubt a lot off stuff that's in my life. Things that I've taken for granted. Like my family, my relationship, and school. I doubt I'll always be there for my family. I doubt that my relationship with my boyfriend will last. I doubt I will ever finish my degree. So many doubts... I feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis. I'm rethinking everything about my life. Where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed.

The thing that really worries me the most is my relationship. This March will be our 6th year together. We've together for so long, I think we've grown used to each other and too comfortable. There are so many things I expect out of this relationship. It's hard because you don't know if the other person expect the same thing. I feel like we're not good for each other. I mean, we love each other very much I know for sure. It's just, we're not living to our utmost potential. I know he can be so much better than where he is now. And the same goes for me. But we rely on each other too much. It's hard to think about breaking up, and I don't want to. I guess what I really want is for us to take a step back and look at where we are and what we both want in the future. It's just difficult because I'm sure all these thoughts are not going through his head like mine is right now. Feel very conflicted... What should I do?

2nd Goal

For most of my life I've struggling with my weight. I would like for this year to be the year I REALLY do something about it. This sounds like any other year but I would like to REALLY try harder this year. My ultimate goal is to weight a healthy 120, so lots of work to do. Anyone have any pointers?

Update on my grandmother's death: My dad and my sister are going back to Vietnam to bury my grandma over there. They are leaving very soon, and for about 3 weeks. That should allow us lots of peace and quiet for 3 whole weeks. Bliss!

Losing...

It's always draining losing someone. My grandma passed away today at 11:40 am. Her birthday was on New Year's. She died two days after her birthday. I wasn't even there for her birthday. My grandma and I aren't close or anything, but why am I so heartbroken? My whole family is in mourning. We didn't expect to lose her so soon. Haven't gotten to funeral arrangements yet either. God, are you with her now? How is she? Is she happy and content? I like to believe she is.
To get me through today, my boyfriend was there to comfort me. I know he had things to do today, but he stayed even though I knew he didn't want to be there. But for me he did so anyways. I love him and appreciate him so much. If you're reading this I wanna let you know that YOU ARE WONDERFUL! THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Although I'm emotionally and physically drained right now, I gotta get up in about 5 hours to start winter quarter classes. How will I ever get through tomorrow? Please God also be with me. Give me strength and wisdom. I look to you first and always.

New Year's

Cleaned my room (kind of, decently). Party for new years and dad's birthday. Friends came over for some fun times. I learned a new drinking game called King's Cup. It was really fun, but was kinda long. I realized that my alcohol tolerance has increased this year. Wonder if that's a good thing or bad. While my friends and I were hanging, I realized that my sister wasn't amongst us. I feel kinda bad about this but I just have to remind myself the kind of person she is and why the situation was like that.

All in all, tonight was a good night. So much cleaning to do tomorrow though. Hope everyone out there is having a good night and that your new year will bring you much happiness. Goodbye 2009, bonjour 2010.

Update

Didn't clean room. Spent whole day in bed. Didn't go to work. Such a loser. Watching k-dramas now. UGHHHHHHHHHH. Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully it will be different from today.

1st Goal

So I'm gonna start posting up goals for myself and hopefully I can motivate myself to actually accomplish them this upcoming year. My first goal is...*drum roll* clean my room! Haha. Let's start small folks. I know people go through messy rooms at some point in their lives, but seriously, mine is ridiculously, disgustingly gross. I am getting sick by living in here. I would post a picture of my ugly room but I don't think I'm that comfortable yet. Don't know if I should put this up, kinda make myself look bad. Like some kind of loser living in a pigsty. Oh wells, whatever gets the job done. And posting this up definitely helps. So here's to me and hopefully a clean room by New Year's Eve, because that's my dad's birthday and we're having a party for him here at the house! EEK! Wish me luck. :)

Inspiration...

Just finished watching Julie and Julia and was inspired to start a blog.  I started thinking about life and goals I had and realized that I'm not doing everything that I can to achieve those goals.  So that said, here I am.  I am using this blog to hold myself accountable.  Hopefully by the end of 2010 I will be the person I've been imagining myself to be all this time in my fantasy world. Please help dear God. Signing off...for now.